The best of me

You saw me walking scared because it was the first, you couldn’t handle it, you punched me and pushed me aside for a good laugh. I agreed.

Loud speaker wasn’t a prerequisite for you cuz you made sure to say it to scar me on the outside and always on the inside. You had your laugh. I agreed.

I walked away with my head held low and you agreed. I had to do it your way or else it’s no way. You stole my naivety, you took my pure soul and crushed it for your greed. Not once did you think I was only a child. Nevertheless, I agreed.

You walked into my life and I believed this is it, all I ever wanted right before my life. But then again it’s mine so it had to be the way it was ordained. You walked out and not just once but every time I begged you to stay. But I let you go because I agreed.

I had to agree all the time because if I disagreed I guess I would not have been who I’m now. You didn’t take the best of me, no. You never had that power but what you did is instilled in me hope, forgiveness and strength.

Thank you is the one word I don’t wanna say but you don’t have the power to stop me anymore. So thank you and I agree.

My heart doesn’t seem to go on

 

I do feel the warmth and longing for you but there is nothing I can do to be with you cuz it is wrong

my soul asks for the wrong all the time because I know that is the only thing gratifying me but you are gonna end up hurting me.

Every night I go to bed wishing I never felt this way, with a hope I fall asleep and at dawn, I awaken only to feel the same.

Maybe I just a need a night but then again I’m afraid to let you go and it is wrong. why, what have I done to feel this way, if only I could get past this.

I see you looking at me, wanting me, every part of me, however, I’m sorry I can’t do this and need to let you go. You gotta understand what happens inside of me, there is a war that is unstoppable

I wish I could say I love you to pieces but I can’t cuz it is wrong. Hurt and the bitterness is beyond me. I can only say you’re safe within me, right here in my heart but only for now cuz as I move forward it is no longer you.

Would a kiss do any good, would your breath raising the hairs on my neck do any good. It indeed would but I can’t cuz it is wrong. Imma leave you alone cuz my heart doesn’t seem to go on.

This time, I want to be with you.

You wrote a love song before you formed me

My name was carved in the palms of your hands, celebration was in order when I was birthed.

Every step and breath that I took were the moments you waited to watch, you look at me today just as how you looked the day I was born.

I wondered if you’d find me worth even when I fell into the depths of vulnerability, with all the guilt and the shame taking the light. Dawn to dusk, I only breathed and lived because I had to do so.

Bewildered if you cared, I know how could I permit a question such as this. Deciding to let go and trust your reckless love was a painful priority. I trusted anyway.

In my distress, you watched and comforted

In my sorrow, you watched and dried my tears

In my loneliness, you watched and befriended me

In my nakedness, you watched and clothed me

I stand in an empty space of compassion for eternity, knowing that I don’t have anything to gain a scandalous love all because I chose to trust you. Ludicrous, how can it be, such love.

Well, I’ll never know. Would I

It’s okay, come my way and do your thing, stopping you is not what I’m going to do because it’s one thing I want, to be overwhelmed every day, caress me all you want because it’s the one thing I’ll never cease wanting. A prayer I said everyday was, Jesus, be with me. Imma change that today, I want to be with you. Every breath that I breathe I want it to be for you. I’m crazy about you.

Budgeting your single-hood

It’s sometimes not very complicated or an issue that is conspicuous to be dealt with and certainly takes patience and the desire to do anything out of the ordinary. I’m no expert on savings because to tell you the truth I haven’t got any but I do have those retirement plans secure, then again why do you want to worry about that today. Now, if you’re married, got kids, or parents or anyone dependent on you, then maybe this piece is actually worth nothing, however if you are the typical 9-5 work person living a single life which by the way is overrated and looked at as the most convenient and ironically seen as no life at all by the so-called “normal” consciousness of the world surrounding you, continue to read on.

I commenced a life with a low-income and at a region where seeking for opportunities to come my way was a task that reminded me of my lethargy and at present I’m in another part of the world where I actually don’t really need to chase after opportunities but grab them as soon as I can, I’m still obliged to “pay” from my pocket, honestly even with little more income and better opportunities you have slightly climbed up the responsibility scale. What are these opportunities I’m referring to, you may wonder, what I would call it is “seeing a little bit of the world around me”.

I live in a beautiful country called Canada and I’m neighbours with another one, the United States. I definitely have what it takes to go over to certain parts and have 2-3 days of vacation time every 2 months. You may not be happy with your job and on the lookout for a better one, you do realize that it’s never that easy to get the “perfect” job, not sure if that exists, nevertheless why not use this “not so great” job to move around a bit?

When I had the desire to travel, one of my biggest challenges was on how to lower my daily expenses so that I could make use of the money I spent unnecessarily to travel around. Firstly, I started to cook, yes. I still advise my friends to learn the art of cooking a meal, it not only saves you money but you have the privilege to eat a healthy dish. As a single person, you should be spending close to $200 on groceries a month. Maybe you’ve got to research on grocery stores that have sales every now and then, also get one of those points/rewards cards because they do help and are you a coffee person, I’d die for one every day, one of the greatest gifts Canada is blessed with is Tim Hortons, less than $2 you get a double-double, Perfect isn’t it? So, if you’re in the US you do have Starbucks but is pricey for sure, hence I don’t recommend it every day but cutting down and getting a coffee mug and making coffee to take with you helps you not to spend over $200-$300 a month, true story. And hey, you do get free coffee at the workplace, it may not taste great but get yourself a cream that would enrich the taste of the drink.

Getting food delivered to your home is so much fun and I so love it but the consequences are not in your favour, yes I ceased ordering food because not only I pay for the food but it comes with a delivery charge and on top of that I’m obligated to give a generous tip, I’m good. Thanks. You don’t need to give up on it though, but cutting down on them is part of the process. Another thing to probably ponder on would be the extra amount of dollars you put in all of these would certainly benefit you for getting gas and frequent washes for your car if saved, thought about it?

Acquiring Eggo’s, frozen healthy breakfast/supper meals from Walmart costs you really less and makes it fulfilling. Saving about $150-$200 every month separately is possible and when you have about $400-$450, go ahead and book your tickets that should fetch you lesser than that many to a destination you want to visit (within North America), use a credit card to book em and pay up with the savings. Do you need a credit card, hell yes and I don’t even need to ask you, of course you have one but it’s always wise to get a credit card that pays you back and they are usually called “cash back”, hang on so just booking tickets won’t help, I know, there’s staying at these places that also need to be arranged.

I have always been fortunate to have a friend, a relative or someone that I know maybe from my previous work or through a common friend who lives in and around this continent and it really is worth to ask them if it’s okay for you stay over at their place, after all, it’s only a matter of 2-3 days (and yes that’s all you need to have a good time). And if you don’t have someone to stay with, maybe finding a hotel through some of the popular websites for a great deal is not so bad, I stayed at a 3 star hotel for 3 nights and I was billed $300, I had the entire queen size bed and the luxurious room to myself, for all the hard work and stress you go through, you totally deserve it. The most successful way to retrieve tickets and hotel rooms at affordable rates is to travel at a time when it is not a busy weekend and or booking tickets to fly out in the weekend, so maybe travelling on a Friday after work hours and getting back to your home after your travel on a Monday morning. (And if possible take the Monday off from your PTO days, I believe most of you would have a maximum of 10-15 days of PTO, I’m pretty sure you can use 1-2 days of it every 2-3 months.)

Take your camera with you, your smart phone will have pretty good pixels to capture the best shots and go on a photography spree. Keep your credit card with you and wherever you go, you’d find not so pricey cafe’s and restaurants that taste great. How do you get around for sightseeing, many of the metropolitan cities have well-established transit systems that you could use and purchase weekly passes to commute and if these places you wish to visit are not “cosmopolitan”, renting a car is never a bad idea because they are available at reasonable prices.

I know and have spoken to a few acquaintances and I have learned that some of them are frightened at the idea of going out there alone and it’s usually this mental block in the mind that stops you from walking out of the comfort zone. Again, not every tourist sites you visit have a fee, I have been to spots that took my breath away without even paying a penny. A willing spirit to see around and focusing on just enjoying that moment is what we really miss out on.

I’d be lying if I comment “it is possible”. No, not every time, I get it, until the start of this year I had no mortgages and no debts, but the day I got my car and I’m so grateful for having one and not just a car but one of my personal favourite brands, I’m not in a circumstance to seize opportunities unlike before, but when you really want to do something you even look for ways to get em done, like looking for a second job or maybe learning something new to invest in a higher paying role at a company, today we have an immense amount of materials online to enhance our skills free of all charges.

I missed to point out that one of the biggest booming industry’s today is fitness and we have a lot of people spending good amount of money for looking great in shape and I admire such people and if you’re one of those who just wants to stay fit and eat right but also not happy about spending money at the gym and trying out different fitness products, have you tried brisk walking and downloading free apps on your phone to track the number of calories you burn each day, instead of going to the nearest cafe or store in your car, you could probably go on a nice brisk walk to get there, it’s free and it works darn good, control your food intake and use walking as one of the economical ways to look good. One may contemplate it as a waste of time, well my waist size was 34 and in a span of few months, it reduced to 31, because of walks alone.

Thank you for making it this far and there is no rule that whatever you read is what you need to follow religiously but they definitely give you ideas and certainly puts you into a thinking mode to get online and research more and I bet at least one of the “tips” I’ve mentioned will prove me right. I don’t want to sound presumptuous. So I will leave it here, whatever the situation is, you do deserve that holiday, go for it!

The stuff that I talked about is visible on here 😉

Stop!

While many of us have a career, something to look forward to when we get home from work, there are many out there who flee their homes dreaming and hoping to have a better life, right now as I draft this post, there is a slave trade going on in Libya and it is important to be aware of this issue. I don’t need likes or comments but hoping this would spread an awareness of this painful derogatory practice!

Source: https://www.facebook.com/bishopjakes/videos/10156172260208322/?hc_ref=ARRVrn_8jt2boiRhBqdJR4Ys8TSwUn5FPkaRwp0eNT5ZEgJiPdZrsh2B5jfGKFKpf74&pnref=story

 

The gift that was.

Sipping my latte at Starbucks that has colored the vicinity with decors of Christmas and looking outside at the beautiful snowfall whilst I’m all warmed up indoor makes me wonder how long do I wait to hear you call my name, to listen to that sweet whisper that gave birth to hope and the will to make and be the change.

Seasons changed, the path I once ventured on shifted, everything that once seemed to be normal turned out to be out of the ordinary, it is only those hands that once caressed me, I long for the most, what happened to us.

I know I led astray, to the things that made sense, in plight of seeking what’s best, you faded away, I don’t remember how it felt anymore, but I know what to do now, someone once said if you were given the choice between choosing what is right and being kind, choose to be kind. That I haven’t forgotten only because you showed me how it is done.

They also say when you love someone so much you become more of the person they want you to be, I couldn’t be, so you decided to endure because you loved me and I was perfect for you.

I didn’t handle it very well though, to you me being perfect wasn’t perfection for me but hideous and presumptuous, hence I have decided to do this my way and I know how it is done, it’s either my way or no way.

Here I’m now, still wondering like a simpleton what was it that I had done wrong. I know you miss me but I’m guessing I miss you more. Every year I’m asked what I want for Christmas, I ask for happiness to the kindred, to the confidants. Well I’d still ask that this and every year but I emphasize on needing you more now. I’ll wait, and that’s going to be my best present ever. Until then I promise to be kind and to do the things that need to be done with whatever strength I have left in me but I will only complete this book of love if we were together in this.

I hope I wouldn’t have to wait for long, come my way.

The Light that I thought.

11 going on 12, busy blabbering something “important” and he turned around cracking me up instantly, I didn’t ask him who he was and why is he perturbing my conversation but I liked him and enjoyed his opinions aka jokes. I really do not remember the time we exchanged phone numbers, we did, we talked and laughed and laughed until pain took us over in the gut. He invited me one day and I went.

The moment I set my feet on the floor of his mansion I realized I was going to be friends with royalty and that meant the world to me, he knew the boy I was, I had nothing to offer but maybe some kind of companionship and I suppose that’s all he ever wanted because he did not question my stature but took me around and made me a part of his story.

Ventured together on a journey although I had darkness covering the soul within me, being with him was like being with a friend who knew nothing but to face the world with everlasting joy. There were members closer to him that despised my presence but he never cared because I was a good friend, I presume.

Discovering love, affection, things that really mattered whilst enduring what teenage had to offer only made it pretty because of him. I knew I was not alone and I could be an awesome version that only existed due to my consistent and relentless admiration I had of his company. One day farewell took hold of us and separation started to feel real and not temporary but could lead to forever and that was crushing us every moment.

He changed or maybe I didn’t, but change, as some of us say, is inevitable so be it, I said, Goodbye and he gladly let me go. Friends do come and go but there are many who stuck on and I would put them in the category of ‘blessing’ on one side of my heart. But I will never forget him, he meant something as he decided to have me when I had lost hope only at the age of 11.

It’s been 9 years and I miss this story and a chance to have him as my best ever. Thank you, my friend, for being the light at my time of distress.

The haunting in the intellect.

All cuddled up in bed, sick, daddy told me not to go to school, instead, I could lie all day in bed watching my favorite ever “Lion King”. We lived in buildings that would look closely knit and a few seconds away from each other, we had no GPS and the skills we had were to walk, heard that right walk.

So, we never had mailboxes, our mails would go over to the designated post boxes somewhere far away from home. We decided to create mailboxes using Marlboro containers and if we ever wanted to send a letter to a friend, we would “mail” it to each other, the source of transporting em were our legs.

Nervous breakdown is what I’d like to call I had whilst getting groomed and piling up books that didn’t have the one thing I had to get done the night before, homework. It dawns on me the moment I see the school bus’ arrival at the pickup, sick in my stomach, I had to survive another day, undergo “torture”.

Perturbed I’d be for 6 hours but with dawn comes dusk, my joy, the irony I tell you. It’s true, television and not just any TV but the Oprah Winfrey Show, don’t judge me, I’m trying to make a valid point and you get it. Well, I hope.

The girl I saw at my tuition (the ugly norm) but with every ugliness, there is some beauty, alright I just made that up. But coming back to the girl, man up and just ask the girl out, what’s the worse that could happen. Yeah right! BULL I thought. Let’s move on now.

Funny thing is, pen this down after a couple of years and it’s very blurry, why. Distant and so far away from reality. Connecting dots and the dumbest things ever done entire lifetime do not, repeating it again, DO NOT make sense today. Dwelling in the past is certainly a NO, but you can’t forget em, could you and yet it feels absolutely insensate or excruciating. It’s a new day. Dawn or dusk do not matter, what is made of it today matters. While the departed journey makes it dirty, you have a clean slate now. Move on, greater.

 

Pushing the anxiety!

Most of us have a very interesting approach to handling whatever is thrown at us, everything is normal and it is the way it is but what happens to you when an unprecedented or uncertain event takes over your life for one moment or let’s say longer than a moment, do you sulk and find it hard to move further with a focus?

I would probably be the first one to plead guilty if I was asked this question in a room full of people. I have met people who are good at what they do but when I suggest them at some point to leave their comfort zone to experience something of a difference (and by the way very doable) they say “well, I’ll leave it to God”, now I’m all for that however there is a problem when you don’t realize God doesn’t do everything for you, He instills the strength you need for sure but He expects you to take a leap of faith and just go for it. I find it hard every time to forsake my comfort zone, I lose my will to be enthusiastic and let myself be overtaken by apprehensiveness and pacing around, talking to myself like an idiot.

There are days when I just do not want to go on and sulk in, I remind myself of the fact that my creation wasn’t a mistake and I have purpose and until I get to it, let me allow myself to embrace what I have been blessed with and be grateful for it, shaking off the pain of being missed out is definitely hard and I know how that feels, truly do. I think for a good part of my life I have been trying to genuinely be happy but I have always had a sense of sadness clinging and it never let go. Even when I tried sharing how I felt with people they would laugh it out saying “you worry too much and you need to just be happy” and you have no idea how much I control my tongue from not spilling out the words “you know I’m not stupid”. Some of us do have depression that has been a part of our daily lives, how you control the levels of it is definitely up to you.

It is seriously okay if you are sad honestly, it takes a while to recover from it but use that emotion to express how you feel through love and giving, traveling and sharing. It blesses your soul to utilize such an emotion in the right way because today the world is in need of good people, you may not have the BIG life like Oprah Winfrey or Bill Gates but with whatever you have, give back and when you give you actually take in, yes you do. How long are you going to hold on to your savings in your bank account, don’t get me wrong I would never recommend anyone spend all that they have earned but using little of it outside of the ordinary makes a world of difference.

Your emotions and sensitive side may not let you blend in with a community or the world around and maybe it is because you were born to STAND OUT?

Opportunities come and go for sure, When I let go of some I have had people frown upon me and criticize my actions like they know me and comprehend what I go through, seriously opportunities will come your way again, you haven’t lost them, the only thing to remember would be to grab it and stay focused even whilst you are at your worst push yourself and paint a picture of how the future is going to look when you decide to act on the chance given to you, take your emotions with you, let it go along and grab the opportunity. I was listening to a Harvard professor once and she stated something very interesting and I want to share it here, if you have no confidence and you’re overwhelmed with the negativity of what people told you or you just feel you aren’t good enough then “Fake it” yes, “Fake it till you Make it”. I have slowly applied that into my life and you know what, it works, if you lack the confidence to speak up fake it then. You have no idea of how good you are and you wouldn’t know if you don’t push the fear and it takes courage to actually accept your emotions and still be patient with it to take that leap of faith!

Sleepless in Saskatchewan.

I shut my eyes to block the light out. Time it is to switch off every cell in my body and zip up anything asking me questions, they never leave though. Why do you not let me be, why do I have the problems of the globe holding onto my shoulders. No, wait it isn’t on my shoulders but in the head and how on earth did you go up there, right in the central nervous system.

Missed are the days of innocence even with a fear of going to face a difficult tomorrow I’d still cuddle my comforter and sleep like there’s no tomorrow. Do you hear me. Do you comprehend the levels of distraction that forms within my world, you don’t care do you but why would you when you know what to do at times of overflowing words that somehow keep crawling back in spite of repetitive warnings.

When you look over the images of your past you do wish to never go back to its cruelty or maybe you do but you certainly want to get back the naivety of freely giving, loving and enduring. Uncertainty is now for sure. Constant nagging is a surety. But if you give me back what I want for now I’ll be happier because I know I have nothing to fear when I’m asleep.