My heart doesn’t seem to go on

 

I do feel the warmth and longing for you but there is nothing I can do to be with you cuz it is wrong

my soul asks for the wrong all the time because I know that is the only thing gratifying me but you are gonna end up hurting me.

Every night I go to bed wishing I never felt this way, with a hope I fall asleep and at dawn, I awaken only to feel the same.

Maybe I just a need a night but then again I’m afraid to let you go and it is wrong. why, what have I done to feel this way, if only I could get past this.

I see you looking at me, wanting me, every part of me, however, I’m sorry I can’t do this and need to let you go. You gotta understand what happens inside of me, there is a war that is unstoppable

I wish I could say I love you to pieces but I can’t cuz it is wrong. Hurt and the bitterness is beyond me. I can only say you’re safe within me, right here in my heart but only for now cuz as I move forward it is no longer you.

Would a kiss do any good, would your breath raising the hairs on my neck do any good. It indeed would but I can’t cuz it is wrong. Imma leave you alone cuz my heart doesn’t seem to go on.

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This time, I want to be with you.

You wrote a love song before you formed me

My name was carved in the palms of your hands, celebration was in order when I was birthed.

Every step and breath that I took were the moments you waited to watch, you look at me today just as how you looked the day I was born.

I wondered if you’d find me worth even when I fell into the depths of vulnerability, with all the guilt and the shame taking the light. Dawn to dusk, I only breathed and lived because I had to do so.

Bewildered if you cared, I know how could I permit a question such as this. Deciding to let go and trust your reckless love was a painful priority. I trusted anyway.

In my distress, you watched and comforted

In my sorrow, you watched and dried my tears

In my loneliness, you watched and befriended me

In my nakedness, you watched and clothed me

I stand in an empty space of compassion for eternity, knowing that I don’t have anything to gain a scandalous love all because I chose to trust you. Ludicrous, how can it be, such love.

Well, I’ll never know. Would I

It’s okay, come my way and do your thing, stopping you is not what I’m going to do because it’s one thing I want, to be overwhelmed every day, caress me all you want because it’s the one thing I’ll never cease wanting. A prayer I said everyday was, Jesus, be with me. Imma change that today, I want to be with you. Every breath that I breathe I want it to be for you. I’m crazy about you.

Stop!

While many of us have a career, something to look forward to when we get home from work, there are many out there who flee their homes dreaming and hoping to have a better life, right now as I draft this post, there is a slave trade going on in Libya and it is important to be aware of this issue. I don’t need likes or comments but hoping this would spread an awareness of this painful derogatory practice!

Source: https://www.facebook.com/bishopjakes/videos/10156172260208322/?hc_ref=ARRVrn_8jt2boiRhBqdJR4Ys8TSwUn5FPkaRwp0eNT5ZEgJiPdZrsh2B5jfGKFKpf74&pnref=story

 

The gift that was.

Sipping my latte at Starbucks that has colored the vicinity with decors of Christmas and looking outside at the beautiful snowfall whilst I’m all warmed up indoor makes me wonder how long do I wait to hear you call my name, to listen to that sweet whisper that gave birth to hope and the will to make and be the change.

Seasons changed, the path I once ventured on shifted, everything that once seemed to be normal turned out to be out of the ordinary, it is only those hands that once caressed me, I long for the most, what happened to us.

I know I led astray, to the things that made sense, in plight of seeking what’s best, you faded away, I don’t remember how it felt anymore, but I know what to do now, someone once said if you were given the choice between choosing what is right and being kind, choose to be kind. That I haven’t forgotten only because you showed me how it is done.

They also say when you love someone so much you become more of the person they want you to be, I couldn’t be, so you decided to endure because you loved me and I was perfect for you.

I didn’t handle it very well though, to you me being perfect wasn’t perfection for me but hideous and presumptuous, hence I have decided to do this my way and I know how it is done, it’s either my way or no way.

Here I’m now, still wondering like a simpleton what was it that I had done wrong. I know you miss me but I’m guessing I miss you more. Every year I’m asked what I want for Christmas, I ask for happiness to the kindred, to the confidants. Well I’d still ask that this and every year but I emphasize on needing you more now. I’ll wait, and that’s going to be my best present ever. Until then I promise to be kind and to do the things that need to be done with whatever strength I have left in me but I will only complete this book of love if we were together in this.

I hope I wouldn’t have to wait for long, come my way.

The Light that I thought.

11 going on 12, busy blabbering something “important” and he turned around cracking me up instantly, I didn’t ask him who he was and why is he perturbing my conversation but I liked him and enjoyed his opinions aka jokes. I really do not remember the time we exchanged phone numbers, we did, we talked and laughed and laughed until pain took us over in the gut. He invited me one day and I went.

The moment I set my feet on the floor of his mansion I realized I was going to be friends with royalty and that meant the world to me, he knew the boy I was, I had nothing to offer but maybe some kind of companionship and I suppose that’s all he ever wanted because he did not question my stature but took me around and made me a part of his story.

Ventured together on a journey although I had darkness covering the soul within me, being with him was like being with a friend who knew nothing but to face the world with everlasting joy. There were members closer to him that despised my presence but he never cared because I was a good friend, I presume.

Discovering love, affection, things that really mattered whilst enduring what teenage had to offer only made it pretty because of him. I knew I was not alone and I could be an awesome version that only existed due to my consistent and relentless admiration I had of his company. One day farewell took hold of us and separation started to feel real and not temporary but could lead to forever and that was crushing us every moment.

He changed or maybe I didn’t, but change, as some of us say, is inevitable so be it, I said, Goodbye and he gladly let me go. Friends do come and go but there are many who stuck on and I would put them in the category of ‘blessing’ on one side of my heart. But I will never forget him, he meant something as he decided to have me when I had lost hope only at the age of 11.

It’s been 9 years and I miss this story and a chance to have him as my best ever. Thank you, my friend, for being the light at my time of distress.

The haunting in the intellect.

All cuddled up in bed, sick, daddy told me not to go to school, instead, I could lie all day in bed watching my favorite ever “Lion King”. We lived in buildings that would look closely knit and a few seconds away from each other, we had no GPS and the skills we had were to walk, heard that right walk.

So, we never had mailboxes, our mails would go over to the designated post boxes somewhere far away from home. We decided to create mailboxes using Marlboro containers and if we ever wanted to send a letter to a friend, we would “mail” it to each other, the source of transporting em were our legs.

Nervous breakdown is what I’d like to call I had whilst getting groomed and piling up books that didn’t have the one thing I had to get done the night before, homework. It dawns on me the moment I see the school bus’ arrival at the pickup, sick in my stomach, I had to survive another day, undergo “torture”.

Perturbed I’d be for 6 hours but with dawn comes dusk, my joy, the irony I tell you. It’s true, television and not just any TV but the Oprah Winfrey Show, don’t judge me, I’m trying to make a valid point and you get it. Well, I hope.

The girl I saw at my tuition (the ugly norm) but with every ugliness, there is some beauty, alright I just made that up. But coming back to the girl, man up and just ask the girl out, what’s the worse that could happen. Yeah right! BULL I thought. Let’s move on now.

Funny thing is, pen this down after a couple of years and it’s very blurry, why. Distant and so far away from reality. Connecting dots and the dumbest things ever done entire lifetime do not, repeating it again, DO NOT make sense today. Dwelling in the past is certainly a NO, but you can’t forget em, could you and yet it feels absolutely insensate or excruciating. It’s a new day. Dawn or dusk do not matter, what is made of it today matters. While the departed journey makes it dirty, you have a clean slate now. Move on, greater.

 

Pushing the anxiety!

Most of us have a very interesting approach to handling whatever is thrown at us, everything is normal and it is the way it is but what happens to you when an unprecedented or uncertain event takes over your life for one moment or let’s say longer than a moment, do you sulk and find it hard to move further with a focus?

I would probably be the first one to plead guilty if I was asked this question in a room full of people. I have met people who are good at what they do but when I suggest them at some point to leave their comfort zone to experience something of a difference (and by the way very doable) they say “well, I’ll leave it to God”, now I’m all for that however there is a problem when you don’t realize God doesn’t do everything for you, He instills the strength you need for sure but He expects you to take a leap of faith and just go for it. I find it hard every time to forsake my comfort zone, I lose my will to be enthusiastic and let myself be overtaken by apprehensiveness and pacing around, talking to myself like an idiot.

There are days when I just do not want to go on and sulk in, I remind myself of the fact that my creation wasn’t a mistake and I have purpose and until I get to it, let me allow myself to embrace what I have been blessed with and be grateful for it, shaking off the pain of being missed out is definitely hard and I know how that feels, truly do. I think for a good part of my life I have been trying to genuinely be happy but I have always had a sense of sadness clinging and it never let go. Even when I tried sharing how I felt with people they would laugh it out saying “you worry too much and you need to just be happy” and you have no idea how much I control my tongue from not spilling out the words “you know I’m not stupid”. Some of us do have depression that has been a part of our daily lives, how you control the levels of it is definitely up to you.

It is seriously okay if you are sad honestly, it takes a while to recover from it but use that emotion to express how you feel through love and giving, traveling and sharing. It blesses your soul to utilize such an emotion in the right way because today the world is in need of good people, you may not have the BIG life like Oprah Winfrey or Bill Gates but with whatever you have, give back and when you give you actually take in, yes you do. How long are you going to hold on to your savings in your bank account, don’t get me wrong I would never recommend anyone spend all that they have earned but using little of it outside of the ordinary makes a world of difference.

Your emotions and sensitive side may not let you blend in with a community or the world around and maybe it is because you were born to STAND OUT?

Opportunities come and go for sure, When I let go of some I have had people frown upon me and criticize my actions like they know me and comprehend what I go through, seriously opportunities will come your way again, you haven’t lost them, the only thing to remember would be to grab it and stay focused even whilst you are at your worst push yourself and paint a picture of how the future is going to look when you decide to act on the chance given to you, take your emotions with you, let it go along and grab the opportunity. I was listening to a Harvard professor once and she stated something very interesting and I want to share it here, if you have no confidence and you’re overwhelmed with the negativity of what people told you or you just feel you aren’t good enough then “Fake it” yes, “Fake it till you Make it”. I have slowly applied that into my life and you know what, it works, if you lack the confidence to speak up fake it then. You have no idea of how good you are and you wouldn’t know if you don’t push the fear and it takes courage to actually accept your emotions and still be patient with it to take that leap of faith!

Sleepless in Saskatchewan.

I shut my eyes to block the light out. Time it is to switch off every cell in my body and zip up anything asking me questions, they never leave though. Why do you not let me be, why do I have the problems of the globe holding onto my shoulders. No, wait it isn’t on my shoulders but in the head and how on earth did you go up there, right in the central nervous system.

Missed are the days of innocence even with a fear of going to face a difficult tomorrow I’d still cuddle my comforter and sleep like there’s no tomorrow. Do you hear me. Do you comprehend the levels of distraction that forms within my world, you don’t care do you but why would you when you know what to do at times of overflowing words that somehow keep crawling back in spite of repetitive warnings.

When you look over the images of your past you do wish to never go back to its cruelty or maybe you do but you certainly want to get back the naivety of freely giving, loving and enduring. Uncertainty is now for sure. Constant nagging is a surety. But if you give me back what I want for now I’ll be happier because I know I have nothing to fear when I’m asleep.

Have time to spare?

A lot of people have taught me on how to converse with the God of the universe, an omnipotent God, a mighty savior. It’s interesting how over my childhood and teenage years I have always been exposed to one side of God and the fact of the matter is there is certainly no doubt that He is great and powerful but at the same time has a loving approach to His loved ones. As a little boy any of my wrongness would immediately put me into the state of fear and shame. “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding“, these were the words that would never leave from within me, besides they were imprinted on my heart. Glad that they never left but as time passed I was not getting to know Him in fullness.

Every sin committed would lead me to think of new ways to hide my transgressions, I couldn’t accept the grace or the forgiveness of standing in an empty space filled with love and no conditions, how can it be?, to me the biggest challenge today is believing the gospel, yes. To accept that I’m forgiven and there is nothing that I could do or not do to make Him love me more, Love is He. In any relationship, what would you think is a priority? I would say, talking to that person would be step one and doing all you can to show you Love them, the word says faith without works is dead, well I also say Love without actions is baseless, when you love someone, you’d go out of your way to make that someone feel special by doing all or at least most of what you can do for them.

God’s love was shown on the cross and He shows it through carrying you forward whilst you are in pain, loneliness and even in joyful moments. His biggest gift to mankind was himself bearing everything on a large piece of wood so that you and I could enjoy eternity. If you love Him, you’d talk to Him, pray and give someone who is in need and today if all you can do is pray then you have done enough.

I would think that I need to set a time apart just to pray and if I have to be honest, they never worked, I have failed every time and also feel that I have abandoned my one true love, Jesus. However, that is not a prerequisite for Christ to love you, but it is certainly sheer joy talking to your maker and who are we for Him to know our name, to feel for and to provide for. We are talking about someone who holds the entire earth on nothing but His word, the breath of God is in your nostrils.  In my relationship, I have gotten upset and frustrated with God, funny how I would literally look up and speak with fury, after a couple of hours I would look back and think of what I did and tell Him “I’m sorry about that” what I immediately sense is peace and love all over again, He is definitely real and worth all of it.

How about the sufferings of the innocent blood and the violence we see today, I don’t know, wish there was an answer within me. The scripture tells me “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world“. This is my hope and to see Him coming back to restore everything we lost, we shall see justice and only love again. Until then and between the tribulation, can we maybe walk with Him, truthfully, He is the way to what you can look at when your world is crashing down and to help another to seek this way, got some time today?

God Bless you!

A moment in Gethsemane.

Every time I take a good look at my current state of affairs, I can only think of the amount of gratitude I have towards my maker, every road embarked by me sometimes reached the very end of me and I could never see an alternative, it usually ends up with an exit ticket. I was afraid of being the ‘normal’ because that is not inscribed in my DNA, my inheritance as the world observes is ‘ordinary’ but the fact of the matter is it’s not. The life around me is a reality which was a dream and if you get to perceive what I feel then it’s the sense of validation and of honor.

Doesn’t mean that I have fully accomplished this gift of being in complete state of forgiveness, how is it that my hands are free yet there is guilt that encompasses, I wouldn’t want to open the books of my past, it comprises of nothing but unworthiness and dirt and being in all that, time was the source of cure, but I know for sure, with time my God restored all of that I once lost, He is faithful to His word and all I had to do was “Trust” Him, I’m growing up now and I certainly miss the very younger years of my life, well age like they say is just a number but I’m enjoying every bit of this phase and so love the fact that as you grow you become wiser (of course doesn’t apply to every individual). Stronger, wiser and beautiful I get to be now and at the same time there is a pool of uncertainties.

The unprecedented happens because of which all I have with me is faith, nowhere to turn or seek the very best I could find. I was engulfed with family and friends which is not the situation I’m in now, these traces lead me to “Gethsemane”. Jesus was rejected and alone, He went over to the garden of Gethsemane to pray, asking the father if He could come out of this cup of suffering, he sweat blood and clearly tells that He was heavily in pain and agony, of course I have never been in such anguish but this picture of our Lord praying alone depicts His suffering and pain from a human perspective, He felt and was tortured, I wished at times I was there to embrace or pat His back and let Him know that I will always love Him for who He is, it always blows my mind out of proportion when a king is subdued because His love was unconditional. When I hear “Gethsemane” my heart twinges, only for that one moment I wanted to physically be there to hold His back, to actually say these words “It’s OK Jesus, you’re going to make it”, to remind Him that He is my super hero and all I ever wanted the most.

Your life makes sense when you know where your identity is. To me even today the gospel of the Lord never made sense because I cannot understand a God with a love so scandalous ready to give up His only son to die the most brutal death for me, You are standing in this empty space of forgiveness and let that not slip out of your mind, you are free because of that one decision Christ made at Gethsemane.